Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.

Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”

*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus

Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”

kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????

A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza

Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.

Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.

If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.

Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS

Me: we can all get along and live in unity

Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

[listening to twenty one pilots]

ME: ok ok one at a time

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better

me: can i have a raise?

boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals

me: by giving me more money

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken

After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.