This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
You Might Also Like
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp