This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
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While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.