This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
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me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?