Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
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Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?