Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”

I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense

Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.

Old girlfriends tend to get offended.

Who knew?

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?

Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??

Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured

Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-

Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?

Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.

Nothing, it was on the house.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started

Who will tell him he’s not a dog !

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.