Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop.

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?

A: You rocket!

#HatDadJoke

Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it

[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.

Wife: ugh I feel fat

Me: please take your hands off me

One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.

the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”

Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.