Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[going out]

other moms: have fun, be safe!

my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later

Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.

Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏

The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides

Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.

Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.

Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.

Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

“Here mom, hold this.”

Translation: I own you now.

If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..

“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”

We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.

[at the top of mt everest]

friend: i can’t believe we did it!

me: i know!

friend: what do you think of the view?

me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

ham: accepted, non-offensive

hamn: curse, extremely forbidden

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.

Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast

My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.