this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
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Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Eat…
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
My 7yo asked if the neighbor’s valentine decorations were legal, and I didn’t know he was on the HOA board
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”