this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
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(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Whoa… oh I see lol
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden