this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
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Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.