this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
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A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it