“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout
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If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
feetloaf
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
back to work
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Guys which shade of gery should I get
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]