This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
You Might Also Like
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.