This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
![]()
You Might Also Like
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
The best shot in the history of golf
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*![]()
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.