This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
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[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed