This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
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“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
cause of death:
autopsy.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok