This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
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Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no