Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE

the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors

You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.

You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

[dinner]
prince eric:

ariel:

prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing

ariel: no no, not this crab

prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good

ariel: he was just a backup dancer

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!

…and other things I never said before having kids

at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower

10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”

I’m funny that way.

Note to self: always read the final line

Me: *scrunches my face*

13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.

Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.

the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.

the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range

Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true

“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was

Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?

Me: No.

H: Who did then?

Me: Ninjas.

H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.

Me: They’re very good ninjas.

My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.