this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
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What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…