this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
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Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him