This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
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I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Am I having a stroke?
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”