Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.

“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

[after the apocalypse]

God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver

Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

*adds Doritos to wedding registry*

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials

Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.

If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.

❄️

“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable

in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.