Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

U talkin 2 me?

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.

the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*

Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.

If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.

Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.

It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*

Nothing happens

I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.

God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.

kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter