This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

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SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t


If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.


The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity


a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready


doctor: i have bad news

me: uh oh

doctor: u have scoobyditis

me: *whispers* ruh roh


A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app


i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime


Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.


If a baby like Justin Bieber is the face of teen angst and rebellion, then we’ve bubble wrapped our kids too tight.


I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.