@daemonic3

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

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@Chumpstring

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

@QuickandSisi

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

@AndyRichter

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

@Qrabion

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready

@ClichedOut

doctor: i have bad news

me: uh oh

doctor: u have scoobyditis

me: *whispers* ruh roh

@IvoGraham

A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app

@dril

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

@Jmboyd58

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

@HeyZeus666

If a baby like Justin Bieber is the face of teen angst and rebellion, then we’ve bubble wrapped our kids too tight.

@GoldenSpirals

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.