This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
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ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
The glory of fall.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
me when I see my crush
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?