This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

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“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
I’m bagnostic


My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.


Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.

Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.


6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!


*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.


SON: what ya reading?
DAD: a huge book on podiatry
SON: how long is it?
DAD: it’s about a foot


*notices person behind me won’t let people merge*

*slows down and lets 12 people merge in front of me*


* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole


I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.