This cat wants you to take your pills
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me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.