“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
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In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.