Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly

Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.

No selfies while hijacking a train.

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed

Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea

Patient: what? I don’t understand

Me (starts slow clap)

I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.

Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭

[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys

god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.