Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware

Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud

Executioners flirting:

You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher

*presses start and turns around*

Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family

*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”

who called them poets and not rhyme machines?

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.

My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.

Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.

back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

I love snow

– People who never shovel

Guy who invented coffee:

“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”

If you’re not personally the cause of at least 3 rules in the group DM, are you even participating.

Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?

Me: just a little boo boo.

Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?

Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.

My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.

*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

Her: Good morning!

Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?

It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.