“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
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Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Alexa! How many calories does wrapping presents burn?
– me through a mouthful of chocolates that were supposed to be a gift
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.