“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
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Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Planet of the Apps.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit