This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
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My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy