Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”

Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.

How about a bird that ruins people’s lives

-God creating roosters

Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.

When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.

I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

It’s an epidemic…

If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”