This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
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Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
tourist season
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.