This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
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I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible