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God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Mornin. * use accordingly
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u