This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
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“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
This is me 🤣🤣
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.