Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?

“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”

Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours

they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

[a commercial for tampons]

Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for

“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”

Narrator: “Tampons”

Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers

The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker

General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.

Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar

Bear

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?

Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.

Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?

Walt Disney: Kill the mom.

P: and the mermaid movie?

WD: Kill the mom.

P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?

WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy