this chia pet tastes awful
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a badder mouse
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.