this chia pet tastes awful
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“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going