Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”

That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…

Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.

*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.

The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.

how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay

Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.

I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.

The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.

Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”

Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up

Social distancing in Australia:

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies

Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.

Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.

Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha