Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota

Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.

My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.

*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell

I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

Social Media and Real life

SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE

Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?

Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.

Wife: You want to run a business?

Me: Business?

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

*Opens twitter*

*Sees Polio is trending*

*Closes twitter*

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere

Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.

Guy who likes music

So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

The cheapest way to fly is off the handle

End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”

-my dog, when I wax