her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
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No matter what he’s talking about, bring the conversation back to your cat.
“I love to travel.”
“My cat’s an explorer.”
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren’t my kids but he’d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
[Kicks open door to bouncy house]
So anyway I’ve been thinking about what you said last night