@DiabeetusNurse

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

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@daemonic3

[during sex]

her: do you want to try a new position?

me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles

her: what

me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors

her: stop

@SilverCricket9

#HowToEscapeADate
No matter what he’s talking about, bring the conversation back to your cat.
“I love to travel.”
“My cat’s an explorer.”

@BuckyIsotope

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

@heatherlou_

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.

@dadmann_walking

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

@brianbowman73

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

@onelongbender

When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren’t my kids but he’d never fire a Mom of seven, right?

@rowdyforsheriff

[Kicks open door to bouncy house]

So anyway I’ve been thinking about what you said last night