This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
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My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
thank god the sign was there
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I got soap in my shower beer again.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
good for her
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed