Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
You Might Also Like
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
A duv-egg? In this economy?
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
I need this for my side hustle.
Art by Pastelkatto
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet