This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
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When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
If you don’t like coffee, you’re probably just not putting enough Baileys in it
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick