This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
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Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
at ease…shoulder.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.