This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
You Might Also Like
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july