Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]

Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?

Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.

“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter

14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?

14:

Me:

14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.

the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.

What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?

You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese

The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.

Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo

She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school

Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.

[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]

me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.

I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.