This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
You Might Also Like
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
guys I’m going home
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
