This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
You Might Also Like
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.