Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

pirate: walk the plank

someone’s dad: is this teak?

*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.

*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

*at plastic surgery consultation*

Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”

Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”

Friend: Did you see that movie about The Substance?

Me, thinking they’re talking about Flubber: Yeah, wow. Just wow.

Did you know Yoda has a last name?

It’s Layheehoo…

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…

Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.

Discuss.

Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*

[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”

me: did you know there’s a complex named after you

oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?

me:

oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.

The office holiday party is next week.

Coincidence?

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad

Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears

Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot

Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love

I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.