Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.

The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.

No surprise that a third place is with relationships.

I Can’t Tonight…

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

(first day at law school)

Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?

Prof: We don’t.

Me: This is BULLSHIT.

*flips table*

*table floats up to ceiling*

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.

Scavenger Hunt Party

Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.

[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry

You sit there and think about what you’ve done

-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight

Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.

What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

Twitter

Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

Just parrot things

When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.

Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next