Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

it’s a van. how do they not know this

Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.

I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.

2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.

I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.

We have to move now.

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled

*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money

My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo

Her: what?

Me: no his hearing is fine

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.

never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.

i know this now.

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.

I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.

conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy