This chloroform smells expensiv…
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I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
12653.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
my first dose meeting my second
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra