This chloroform smells expensiv…
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pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Doggies just call it style.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise