Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What kind of rifle do comedians use?

JK47’s.

Shoot me.

Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today

[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this

my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies

Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

😂

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.

Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.

App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?

Me: Yes.

App: That would be nice, right? lol.

Me: what…

App: Sign in again.

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..