This Christmas, get her the gift that’ll last a lifetime. Give her a tortoise.
You Might Also Like
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.