Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.

“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”

Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

💀

Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.

Told her to just roll them a little tighter.

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*

Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.

Every time I buy something now

✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day

Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.

I need a vacation.

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

SONOFA

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”

Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!

rapatouille

It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.

be the person your targeted ads think you should be

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*

“Perfect.”

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.