Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential

Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.

I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.

Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.

Me: You’re welcome.

Great game to play with friends

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.

Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause

Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

[speed dating]

Her: Nice to meet you

Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION

In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?

“Mom, it’s-”

*dad makes throat slice gesture*

“No one, Mom. No one”

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie

Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*

911 operator: i need your exact location

Me: nevermind

Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…