this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
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Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing