This classic never gets old . . .
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It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea
Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that