This coffee cake doesn’t seem to be helping my alertness at all
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Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.