Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.

Her: What if there’s lightning?

Me: Then you get to be on top…

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home

they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

inside you are two wolves

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉

her: are those empty

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?

*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*

7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?

me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March

After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

Me too

When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”

My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.

Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?