This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
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the official breakfast of 2021
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.