Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.

[Joining a gang]

me: so who do I stab for initiation?

members: again, this is a book club

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.

ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!

This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…

Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?

Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.