this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
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The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
What’s a Messi?
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍