this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
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Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.