Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

I sexually identify as a hand grenade

My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”

[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

Hamburger Hinderer.

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?

inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.

ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned

“Will you stop CHOKING?”

First Aid in my house, apparently.

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

PLOT TWIST:

“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”

HOWLING VOID: [howling]

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26

HIM: I’m a running back.

ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.

Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.

Witches love that.

DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.