Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.

911: How did he die?

Me: It must’ve been something I said.

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.

I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.

I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

[watching action movie]

*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*

me: damn, I bet that felt really good

GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!

imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever

If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now

34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day

dr: we had to remove your colon

me why

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.

*1st date*

“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”

*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*

“Hellooo soulmate”

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.