Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles

ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR

HER: do you want dessert?

ME: ok, but just a small slice.

(True)

[date started at 9 pm]

[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.

[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.

[restaurant]

me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

[Mugshot photographer]

Me: now lets do a silly one

It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.

my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

Construction sites are so shy. Let me see

The Office: Coronavirus

Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this

Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity

Angela wears a hazmat suit

Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

Brought home almond milk from the grocery store

My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….

Me: No

The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…

it was love at first sight

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

[interview]

“Any special talents?”

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

“By hacking?”

[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.