Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”

Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.

Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.

I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…

90% of parenting is crumb identification.

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

How much for the vacation home?

Sir, this is a coffin.

The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.

Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week

When I snag the last meatball.

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.

How to parallel park:

1) Park somewhere else.

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

this makes me so uncomfortable

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.