This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃
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Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.