This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃
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Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
😭😭
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.