Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”

This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.

This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]

buyer: does this van have child locks

me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

I enjoy a good short stor

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.

I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

finally found a reasonable question

2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa

me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?

[texting]

Me: I’m over IT.

Friend: Over what?

Me: You know…IT.

Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.

Me: IT as in Information Technology.

Friend: You CAN’T be over that.

[1 week later]

Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

The Wolf of Wall Street.

Absolutely no one:

The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD

Me: *stands on one leg*

My flamenco teacher: No.

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.