This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃
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Proctology is located in A55
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money